Henry Mills Diary

Depressed today more than usual.  Didn’t drink becuase I ran out of whisky.  Sitting here in the middle of nowhere.  Tell me there’s a little town called Carpinteria up here somewhere. Say you can trade with the Indians .  Where there’s Indians theres usually whiskey. Hoping  things will change for the better here real soon.  Thinking a lot about Mary.
Its funny how love is.  When you don’t got the one that you love anymore you wonder why love couldn’t have been strong enough to keep you together.  What kind of evil forces are there out there that can tear two people together who have taken the time to look into each others souls for the benefit of each.  What kind of God is it that would make these two people split apart from each other forever? What kind of evil in the world is there, floating around up there, making sure that two people with two good eyes, two good ears, two beating hearts, don’t survive.  Love is a special thing.  It is a rarity, really.  There is no reason to make believe that love, if had, isn’t the greatest thing on earth.  But truly it’s not the strongest.
Things that are more powerful than love: the sun, the wind, inner desires unspoken, music, caring too much about yourself, blindness, heartlessness, coldness.  I guess there’s a million things that are beating down the door of love so that love finally just gives up and lets it all in.  I think blindness is the worst.  It’s when you lose sight of the beauty of love that you start being blinded and when you’re blinded you can’t see to feel somebody. It’s not that we lose the ability to feel, but that we lose sight of the person to which we would pin our feelings upon.  We’re so used to being alone with our own crazy selves I guess.
But, anyway, I can’t hold on forever to those pink and polka dot dreams of the past.  When something or somebody is gone you can’t sit around hoping that they’ll come back or it will drive you crazy forever.  If you got life in you I guess there is a chance that God might send somebody new to you to make up for what he’d taken away.  It’s just when you’re in the state that I am in right now it don’t seem so much that it’s possible.  I guess I ain’t letting Mary go just yet.  She’s still too big inside of me. I guess she always will be if I let her be, for right now I’m letting her be. It ain’t as though I really have a choice.
I sit here on this rock and see the ocean, the mighty Pacific, and the landscape above me, the green hills, green mountains further behind me.  Just come to these hills, finally made it and it’s like I’m entering a tropical island.  I just keep to the water and everything is alright.  There’s a road here too so sometimes I see a few people, but mostly its just me on this Pacific coast road to nowhere.  Hear a lot about gold being found up north. Guess i’ll go as far as San Francisco and then figure out whether or not I want to try and pan some of the stuff myself.  For now I don’t care much.  I do these odd jobs and they just about kill my back.  But there ain’t a lot of cities up along these roads anymore.

Published in: on September 8, 2009 at 8:55 pm  Leave a Comment  

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